I'm Treasure

Let me take you on a little walk through my life.

 I was accepted to SVU in 2008, and I went for a total of 36 hours. Yes, hours. My mom, dad, and grandma moved me in, and when they left to leave, I started packing back up, but my mother told me to stay...and then "accidentally" took my car keys back home with her. {The jury is still out on this, as I'm pretty sure she "purposely" took them.} I prayed ALL night and read my scriptures thinking, Heavenly Father will give me the strength to stay. Well, He didn't, or maybe He did, and I just wouldn't accept it. I called my mom, asked her to come get me, and she said she would, there was just one condition, I had to go speak to the School's Counselor. 

I headed down to Brother Gibbons office, expecting to say, "Hi Brother Gibbons, my name is Kaitlin Johnson, my mother told me to come speak to you. I hope you're having a great day. Thank you for your brief time." And then I could just bounce back up to my dorm room because I technically spoke to him. Well, it didn't go as planned. He invited me in, my Great Wall of China went up, and he began asking general questions, questions I didn't realize were tearing down my wall. He was good, real good. Then the questions became deeper, and deeper, and deeper. It turns out, while I did have a wonderful childhood, there were some experiences that I had suppressed because I didn't want to deal with them. After telling my life story to a complete stranger, and crying more than I had ever cried, he looked at me and said, "Alright Kaitlin, you can go home." I'm pretty sure I ran out of that office, called my mom and said, "Come get me!! I have it on good authority that I can leave!" She wasn't super thrilled with that answer.

She and my step dad arrived, scriptures in hand, my Patriarchal blessing highlighted, and a desire to make me stay. Needless to say, I'm stubborn, and didn't need to hear them out. My bags were packed and I WAS going home. 

When we arrived home a darkness set in on me. It was horrible. I slept all day, slept all night, tried to get a job, worked a day, then had to take a week off because I couldn't work. So, my mom came to me and said we needed to go see a doctor, as my mom was afraid I may be depressed. Well, that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. I was NOT depressed. I was NOT going to the doctor to be "fixed" because I was NOT "crazy!" 

Well, we went to the doctor. She suggested an anti-anxiety because she felt that was more of my symptoms, not depression. I was humiliated. I was 19, people with anxiety are OLD, not at 19. She also suggested a Therapist. Well, that's where I drew the line, but Ole Sandygir? She doesn't draw lines. So, the next Friday I was in a therapists office. 

To make a long story short, I took my medicine, felt fine, so I stopped. Then if I had a bad day, I would take my medicine and stop. This went on until last December. And therapy? That was a complete joke, on my part, because I didn't put enough in to get enough out of it. 

So fast forward to December when I had a panic attack while walking my dog. My body went numb, my heart racing, and thinking I couldn't make it back into my house. I called my mom, who suggested a Priesthood blessing,  which I agreed to, and was able to receive. I felt immediate peace. And then tomorrow came, and I was anxious all over again. I began taking my medication daily, and while there were some good days, the bad days kept coming, and coming, and coming. I went to the Temple expecting to feel peace, but it didn't come. I felt love, but not necessarily peace. I read my scriptures, and prayed and prayed and prayed. But relief never came. 

And then Sunday came. I couldn't make myself go to church, and while walking my dog, I looked up to the sky and I prayed out loud. I asked Heavenly Father to take it from me. I wasn't going to be able to continue fighting it. I didn't have the strength to.

Monday came. And Monday was better, Tuesday was better, Wednesday was better, and so on and so forth. But then the bad days came again, and again and again. I felt maybe there was another step I needed to take. So I met with my Bishop, and asked to be set up with a counselor. 

In March, I began therapy. And I put a lot more into it this time, and got even more out of it. The approach was to not give me a diagnosis, but to let me find myself and self-worth. I'm began finding my self worth and strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And then after some research, my diagnosis came. 

I'm Kaitlin. I have anxiety, and panic attacks, but that's NOT all I am. I am Kaitlin. I have anxiety, and panic attacks, AND I'm a Daughter of God, kind, smart, understanding, hilarious, generous, compassionate, loving, charitable, and the list continues.

When the diagnosis first came, I ran from it. I didn't want it. I didn't want to be seen for only my Anxiety. I didn't want to be thrown into a category of mental health. I didn't want to be broken, or "unfixable." I wanted to be "normal." This disease is a part of me. It always will be, and I'm coming around to being okay with it. Maybe even one day it will be something I love about myself...several, several years down the road, but maybe one day.  

I've had several friends that I've given pep-talks to. You see, like me, they thought they were only defined by their limitations in this life, but I continuously told them they were more. Funny huh? I can talk the talk, but until recently, I couldn't walk the walk.

I follow a guy on Instagram and Facebook his name is JamestheMormon. He's a rapper, but a rapper is not all that he is. He's currently doing a movement that encourages people to know they are Treasure, no matter their circumstance. This song has recently become my "Theme Song":

Treasure - JamestheMormon 

I forgot I was treasure. I forgot who I was. I became consumed with  fear which I allowed to rob me of the most valuable thing I am. I am Treasure. I am a Daughter of God, and I will continue to live my life for Him. I will not let my mortal challenges in this life decrease my value. {I say this confidently in a blog, but I have to say it daily, multiple times a day, and I'm still working on believing it. It will come}

In the LDS church, when girls turn 12, you enter into Young Women's and you stay there until you're 18. Every Sunday, and sometimes on Wednesday, we repeat the following:

We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him. We will stand as Witnesses of God at all times, and in all things and in all places, as we strive to live the Young Women values which are:

•Faith
•Divine Nature
•Individual Worth
•Knowledge
•Choice and Accountability
•Good Works
•Integrity
•Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and families, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

I'm 26, so I've been out of Young Women for a while now, and haven't said the theme in a while, but I know there is absolute truth and power in that theme, as I have witnessed it the past two months while reciting it each morning before leaving my home. This has given me the opportunity to see my self-worth, and to act upon it. {This was also my first "assignment" from therapy. Pretty good huh?}

I will struggle with these medical conditions for the rest of my life. I will have good days, and I know there may also be some bad days, but I know who I am and who loves me. I know I'm treasure, and that trumps fear. {Again, said confidently, but I'm working on it.}

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for all, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for all, including me and including you, who may, like me, think it's not. Something I've learned from this trial of mine is that the Atonement isn't just for our sins. It's for our pains, our sufferings, our times when we feel worthless. 

So, if I've seemed distant or reserved, know that I love you, and I've felt your love, but I was on a journey to find self-love and self-worth. And while this journey will last my whole life, I have come to also understand that self-love and self-worth come from serving those I love, and to act as Jesus Christ would.

I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, and one of my issues has always been trying to be perfect like Christ, instead of trying to be like Christ. It's a big difference, and it's a difference I needed to know. My Heavenly Father, and Savior Jesus Christ expect my best, and that I am able to give. 

If this trial has taught me anything, it's that I have the love of my Heavenly Father, even when I don't allow myself to feel it because I feel that I don't deserve it. He created me. He knows my flaws, and my strengths, and He loves me. He loves me even with medical conditions. He loves me because of my medical conditions. He loves me despite my medical conditions.

Life is hard, but I fully believe we cannot do it alone, we aren't supposed to do it alone. We have a Loving God, and a Savior in Jesus Christ that reach into the depths of our seas to pull us up out of our sorrows, but they also can't do it without our efforts. I'm grateful for this trial and that I am finally able to let it teach me. It taught me that I have strength to do hard things, that not all trials come from Satan, although he LOVES to kick us when we are down, that my Heavenly Father loves me, that the Atonement does apply to me, that I have a mother that is so perfectly loving and patient, a family that surrounds me with their love and support me all the time, wonderful friends who continue to be my friend even when I blow them off at the last minute and that I deserve to have self-worth. I still have a lot to learn from this trial. 

This won't be my last trial, unfortunately, but I know I will be able to face other ones head on with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. You too will have trials. All of us will, but I absolutely promise you, you have all you need to overcome it, just turn to your Heavenly Father, and do what he asks of you. I remember my first prayer after that Panic Attack in December, and I told him I would do anything he would ask of me, but that I would need to have the strength to do it. For instance, there was a time I felt I was going to be unable to work, but I didn't want to disappoint my boss; however, I knew I needed to tell him. I text him, he came over, talked with my mom and I, gave me a blessing, and I went into work scared to death the next day, but walked out with a confidence I have never experienced. Therapy was another thing I didn't want to do, but I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father wrote that initial e-mail. He will give you the strength, but you have to act, you have to do the work. You need to show Him that you have Faith, something I've always slightly lacked, until now. 

I've had a friend to lose her husband of a year and a half, a friend who recently escaped an abusive marriage, who both blog so beautifully of their experiences. They have both helped me to witness the Atonement working in different angles. These women are strong, beautiful, and treasure. Their blogs have helped me on my journey, though they are totally different trials. So, my hope with this blog is  I can do the same for someone else. And if it can't, that's ok too.

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ, most commonly I'm known as a Mormon, so I may have said some terms in this post that maybe you don't recognize or may not understand. Or, maybe I've said something about my relationship with my Heavenly Father that's intrigued you. I encourage you to visit www.lds.org or www.Mormon.org , and those websites will answer any questions you may have.

 I cherish my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's provided my life a foundation in Jesus Christ, His love, and His Atonement, although I'm still trying to remind myself that His atonement is for me too, not everyone but me, but everyone AND me.

I love you. The Lord loves you. If you feel you aren't worthy of His love, pray to Him. You're answer will come. You are more deserving than you know.

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