Death

{Before you read this, I want you to know I'm not doing this for attention or pity. My heart is heavy tonight and writing helps me cope. And, I want to let people know they are not alone when it comes to having a loved one pass.}

Have you ever watched someone die? {Morbid question, I know} Have you ever saw that distant look in their eye? And then heard them talk to someone, someone you can't see? 

I have. I am.

My grandma has Plasma Cell Myloma. It's a cancer of the Plasma Cells. The cancer doesn't kill them, but an infection will. 

She fell two weeks ago on Sunday. She had bruising on the brain and had to go to a rehabilitation center.  She didn't receive the care she should have, and developed an infection.

I'm spending the night with my Nanny tonight at the Hospice Home. She's complementing outfits of people I can't see, but I know she can. It makes me wonder if it's her mom and dad coming to check on their baby girl. Maybe telling her everything's going to be ok! 

It's uneasy knowing she won't be with me much longer. It's something I could go my whole life without experiencing, and be fine. But, no. I'm here with her and I feel peace. Strange huh?

I know where I came from and I know where I'm going when my time is up on this Earth. I know where my Grandma came from and I know where she will go when her time is up. I know it's a place where suffering and pain doesn't exist. I know it's a place of happiness and peace. I know it's a place she's ready to see. 

I believe that she may be able to see close friends and family that have gone before her, and I believe that's who she is talking to at times. I believe those people are here to comfort her during this time. 

I feel death is a lot harder on the people left behind. The Hubands and Wives. The children. The Grandchildren. The friends. But I have the comfort of knowing this isn't goodbye. It's an extended see you later. 

I feel death is somewhat of a testament that God lives and that he loves his children. He loves us so much that when our time is up here on this Earth, he wants us to come be with him. 

I know I will see my Nanny again. I will know who she is and she will know me. And, I know you will see your loved ones who have passed too. Know that. Believe that. 

God is real. Death is real. While there is a time to grieve, and I will probably be grieving for a while, I do know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It's a light of hope. A light of love. A light of peace.

Hug your family members. Never hesitate to tell them you love them. Time is short here, and we never know when it will be a loved ones time to pass on, so love them. Laugh with them. Enjoy them. 

-Kaitlin

{I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Also known as The Mormon Church. I may have said some things in this post that maybe you don't believe, and that's ok, but it's what I believe. I feel when it comes to death my Faith has taught me there is always hope when there is loss. And I hope through this post, that I may have shared some hope with you. 

If you would like to know more about what I believe please feel free to visit the website www.lds.org and find your own hope}

 

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Purpose.

Two years ago, I packed up my life here in North Carolina. I wasn't fearful. I wasn't regretful. I wasn't looking back. It felt weird to me. I've always been one to stay close to home. It was my comfort. The world seemed like a scary place, but Mayberry, Mayberry was safe. So, when I felt like I needed to move on, move out, experience life on my own, I was concerned. I didn't feel anything. I was numb.

In 2008 I was accepted to Southern Virginia University. I was so excited. I, Kaitlin Johnson, was accepted to a UNIVERSITY. Like, a real four year college that smart, successful people go to, and I was accepted. I think I was more excited about that fact than I was the attending part.

I wanted to go for two reasons: To prove to those who didn't believe I could go, that I could. To make my mom proud. Do you notice neither of those choices were in my benefit. Yes, if I stayed I would have proved something of myself, but just to prove others wrong. I once heard, "If you want to prove someone wrong, you've already given them the benefit of being right." That's no way to live life.

In the end, I stayed 30 hours total. I moved in, unpacked, went to all my orientations, made friends, cried myself to sleep, cried, cried, and cried. It didn't feel right. It wasn't home. It wasn't for me. I wasn't doing it for me. I never wanted to go. I was content with staying in Mt. Airy, and going to the community college. I finally got my way, and came home. To some people, "I told you so" was written all over their faces. Others, "It just wasn't your time." But, when was going to be my time? When was I going to get to live my life for me? When was I going to be able to say, "Hey! I told YOU so. I know I can. I believe in myself. I'm Kaitlin Paige Johnson, and I can do whatever I set my mind to."?

Two years later, I had my 1995 Toyota Avalon with 230,000 miles, packed to the brim. I was driving across the country. I was moving to Provo, Utah. And, I didn't have a care in the world. So, what was the difference in the two years? Sure, I had grown up. I had gained confidence. But, I had also gained a testimony that my Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. I had gained more trust in Him. I had gained trust in myself through Him.

I was taught my whole life, "If you're unsure, turn to your Heavenly Father, and He will let you know if it's right." I was also told, "Sometimes, He tests us. Our decisions are laid out in front of Him like a stop light. Red equals NO. Don't test it. Trust it. NO. Green equals YES. Move forward, fast. YES. And then there is Yellow. Yellow equals your decision. He is going to trust you to make the decision you feel is right for you, and if it's not he will prompt you otherwise." Well, I prayed to know if moving to Utah was the right decision for me. Guess what answer I got? Yellow. Probably the biggest decision of my life at that point, and I get yellow. Well, I decided for myself that I was going to Utah, and if it wasn't right, I trusted Him to let me know.

He let me know. He let me know by peace of mind and heart, that I was not only doing my will, but His as well. Living in Utah, was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I lived. I lived my life for me. I supported myself. I became a healthier me. I became a better me. I made life long friends. And, I feel, that some how, some way, I made someones day a little brighter, by my loving myself.

I loved my job. I loved all the roommates I lived with. I loved my co-workers. I loved everything. But, then, a year and a half later, I got the feeling I needed to return home. Sadness, Fear, the Unknown started to surround my family at home, and I knew I was needed home more than I was needed in Utah. I prayed about that decision and got a Green. It felt right. I put my notice in at work. Little, by little, I started telling people I was going home. The plan was to return in early September, but one night I had a prompting that maybe I needed to return sooner. I prayed that night, and in the morning I woke up to a text to my mom saying, "Is there anyway you could come home sooner?" That's all it took. I went to work and told them I needed to leave earlier. Luckily, we had just hired someone to take my position, and I was able to leave two weeks sooner.

It worked out so much better coming home two weeks sooner. I landed a great job. I was able to see and spend more time with my Aunt before she passed, and I was able to help out with unexpected bumps in the road. However, it's been quite the adjustment being back home. There's not as much of a social life here. In Provo, I was out every night til midnight. Here, I'm in the bed at like 7:30, with my Netflix (we're really happy together), and sleeping by like 10:30pm. There are nights when I crave the social life I once had in Provo.

In early January, I started to wonder what my life would be like right now in Provo, if I hadn't moved home? Would I be stressed to the max at Nexus? Would I be having movie nights with my roommates? Would I be still trying to prank Chad and CJ, and get away with it finally? Would I be baking with April and Julia? Would I be out dancing with Heather, Joey, and Spencer, teaching Provo how to Dougie? And you know what? The answer is Yes. Yes to every single one of those questions. And that's just fine. But you know what? I know I'm suppose to be here. I've seen that within the last couple of weeks. I'm needed here. I can make my social life better, it just takes effort, and that's fine. I have to trust in my Heavenly Father, that my purpose here in Mt. Airy is more significant than I can see or understand.

I don't regret my decision to move back home. I do miss Utah, and my life there, but my life is here now, and I'm grateful. I love my family. I love the south. I love the food, maybe a little too much. I love when my dad says, "I'm so glad to have you back. I don't know what we would have done without you." I love to hear my mom's laugh. I especially love when she laughs so hard she wets her pants. I love that my brother, sister-in-law, and I have planned a family vacation, just like when we were kids, except it's a little more exotic than Emerald Isle. I love the time I get to spend with my grandparents. I love the look on my Grandpa's face when I bring my dog to see him [I'm pretty sure he loves the dog more than me] All in all, I love my life. I love myself.

I have a great life. I have great memories. I have a great future ahead of me. Sometimes I feel the Adversary, sees doubt in us, and makes it into something bigger, and tries to make our good decisions into regrets. We have to choose to not let that happen.

I have somewhat of a stomach bug today, and I decided to watch some Mormon Messages. I found one that really touched me today. If you have a minute watch it, even if you're not a Mormon.

"God uses love-inspired correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us."

We all have great lives, we just need to live them.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0

-kaitlin

[ps - i know i haven't written in like 243798257205739 years, but i'm changing that, starting today.]

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