"The bands were loosed..."

If you read my last post, then you know I'm a Mormon, and I bet with that, you have already assumed that I read The Book of Mormon. Well, your assumption is right! 

In December our Stake President challenged us to read The Book of Mormon in six months. Now, I love The Book of Mormon, I do, but your girl has a hard time reading that book within a year, six months? That seemed IMPOSSIBLE! Guess what? It wasn't. I finished in four months, and I've started it over again! So you know how three sentences ago I said I love The Book of Mormon, well this challenge has made me fall IN love with it. 

I've always heard we need to "liken all scriptures unto us." (1st Nephi 19:23) I've always heard it, but never applied it. I think it's because until recently, I read the scriptures to say I read the scriptures. I also read them so I wouldn't get kidnapped, or murdered during the night. I know, I know, stupid. Anyway, when President Marsh instructed us to read The Book of Mormon in six months, it was also around the time my anxiety started. I began to notice each time I picked it up, a peace would consume me. There were many days it was the only thing that could bring me any peace, so I read, and read, and read.

Each time I read it, I use a different highlighter to mark verses that stick out to me. It amazes me that I always find new verses that answer questsions, provide peace, and strengthen me. When I started from the beginning a few weeks ago, two verses filled my heart with absolute peace and an understanding that Heavenly Father knows me, and knows my struggle. 

I was reading 1st Nephi 7: 17 - 18. Nephi's brothers have bound him with cords, and want to kill him, as they were not pleased with Nephi's encouragement to have faith in the Lord. Now, because I'm human, I sometimes like to begin fighting my battles alone, and then when that's unsuccessful, which it always is, I turn to the Lord.  But Nephi, he had such faith in the Lord, and he turned to Him immediately. Verses 17 and 18 read:

"17 But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound.

 18 And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again."

I'm not bound by actual cords, but I am bound. I am bound by anxiety. I have prayed many, many prayers to my Heavenly Father pleading that he will take it away, take it all away. He never did; however, when I read these verses I realized I was asking Heavenly Father to do ALL the work, so that I wouldn't have to do any. I was demanding something that couldn't be done without faith. I never lacked faith in my Heavenly Father, I lacked faith in myself. 

My prayers have changed. I no longer asked to be "healed." I now know how to exercise my faith in Heavenly Father, so that we, along with my Savior, Jesus Christ, can unbind my cords. I know there is no cure for anxiety. I know I will deal with this the rest of my life, but I know Heavenly Father will send His Son, Jesus Christ, to take my extended hand, and walk with me through the struggles I will face in this life.

I'm so grateful for the challenge my Stake President, President Marsh, extended to us last December. I'm grateful it gave me an opportunity to deepen my testimony of The Book of Mormon. I know this book is another testament of Jesus Christ, and that it can not only bless my life, but any of you that may chose to read it. I have a testimony that The Book of Mormon can absolutely change lives, as it has changed mine. I have a firm testimony of the love our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has for each and everyone one of us. I'm so grateful to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it's Doctrine is true, and that Jesus Christ is at the head of this Church. 

As in my last post, if you have any questions about my faith, or are interested in reading The Book of Mormon, please feel free to ask me, visit www.lds.org, or www.mormon.org.

Continue Reading...

I'm Treasure

Let me take you on a little walk through my life.

 I was accepted to SVU in 2008, and I went for a total of 36 hours. Yes, hours. My mom, dad, and grandma moved me in, and when they left to leave, I started packing back up, but my mother told me to stay...and then "accidentally" took my car keys back home with her. {The jury is still out on this, as I'm pretty sure she "purposely" took them.} I prayed ALL night and read my scriptures thinking, Heavenly Father will give me the strength to stay. Well, He didn't, or maybe He did, and I just wouldn't accept it. I called my mom, asked her to come get me, and she said she would, there was just one condition, I had to go speak to the School's Counselor. 

I headed down to Brother Gibbons office, expecting to say, "Hi Brother Gibbons, my name is Kaitlin Johnson, my mother told me to come speak to you. I hope you're having a great day. Thank you for your brief time." And then I could just bounce back up to my dorm room because I technically spoke to him. Well, it didn't go as planned. He invited me in, my Great Wall of China went up, and he began asking general questions, questions I didn't realize were tearing down my wall. He was good, real good. Then the questions became deeper, and deeper, and deeper. It turns out, while I did have a wonderful childhood, there were some experiences that I had suppressed because I didn't want to deal with them. After telling my life story to a complete stranger, and crying more than I had ever cried, he looked at me and said, "Alright Kaitlin, you can go home." I'm pretty sure I ran out of that office, called my mom and said, "Come get me!! I have it on good authority that I can leave!" She wasn't super thrilled with that answer.

She and my step dad arrived, scriptures in hand, my Patriarchal blessing highlighted, and a desire to make me stay. Needless to say, I'm stubborn, and didn't need to hear them out. My bags were packed and I WAS going home. 

When we arrived home a darkness set in on me. It was horrible. I slept all day, slept all night, tried to get a job, worked a day, then had to take a week off because I couldn't work. So, my mom came to me and said we needed to go see a doctor, as my mom was afraid I may be depressed. Well, that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. I was NOT depressed. I was NOT going to the doctor to be "fixed" because I was NOT "crazy!" 

Well, we went to the doctor. She suggested an anti-anxiety because she felt that was more of my symptoms, not depression. I was humiliated. I was 19, people with anxiety are OLD, not at 19. She also suggested a Therapist. Well, that's where I drew the line, but Ole Sandygir? She doesn't draw lines. So, the next Friday I was in a therapists office. 

To make a long story short, I took my medicine, felt fine, so I stopped. Then if I had a bad day, I would take my medicine and stop. This went on until last December. And therapy? That was a complete joke, on my part, because I didn't put enough in to get enough out of it. 

So fast forward to December when I had a panic attack while walking my dog. My body went numb, my heart racing, and thinking I couldn't make it back into my house. I called my mom, who suggested a Priesthood blessing,  which I agreed to, and was able to receive. I felt immediate peace. And then tomorrow came, and I was anxious all over again. I began taking my medication daily, and while there were some good days, the bad days kept coming, and coming, and coming. I went to the Temple expecting to feel peace, but it didn't come. I felt love, but not necessarily peace. I read my scriptures, and prayed and prayed and prayed. But relief never came. 

And then Sunday came. I couldn't make myself go to church, and while walking my dog, I looked up to the sky and I prayed out loud. I asked Heavenly Father to take it from me. I wasn't going to be able to continue fighting it. I didn't have the strength to.

Monday came. And Monday was better, Tuesday was better, Wednesday was better, and so on and so forth. But then the bad days came again, and again and again. I felt maybe there was another step I needed to take. So I met with my Bishop, and asked to be set up with a counselor. 

In March, I began therapy. And I put a lot more into it this time, and got even more out of it. The approach was to not give me a diagnosis, but to let me find myself and self-worth. I'm began finding my self worth and strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And then after some research, my diagnosis came. 

I'm Kaitlin. I have anxiety, and panic attacks, but that's NOT all I am. I am Kaitlin. I have anxiety, and panic attacks, AND I'm a Daughter of God, kind, smart, understanding, hilarious, generous, compassionate, loving, charitable, and the list continues.

When the diagnosis first came, I ran from it. I didn't want it. I didn't want to be seen for only my Anxiety. I didn't want to be thrown into a category of mental health. I didn't want to be broken, or "unfixable." I wanted to be "normal." This disease is a part of me. It always will be, and I'm coming around to being okay with it. Maybe even one day it will be something I love about myself...several, several years down the road, but maybe one day.  

I've had several friends that I've given pep-talks to. You see, like me, they thought they were only defined by their limitations in this life, but I continuously told them they were more. Funny huh? I can talk the talk, but until recently, I couldn't walk the walk.

I follow a guy on Instagram and Facebook his name is JamestheMormon. He's a rapper, but a rapper is not all that he is. He's currently doing a movement that encourages people to know they are Treasure, no matter their circumstance. This song has recently become my "Theme Song":

Treasure - JamestheMormon 

I forgot I was treasure. I forgot who I was. I became consumed with  fear which I allowed to rob me of the most valuable thing I am. I am Treasure. I am a Daughter of God, and I will continue to live my life for Him. I will not let my mortal challenges in this life decrease my value. {I say this confidently in a blog, but I have to say it daily, multiple times a day, and I'm still working on believing it. It will come}

In the LDS church, when girls turn 12, you enter into Young Women's and you stay there until you're 18. Every Sunday, and sometimes on Wednesday, we repeat the following:

We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him. We will stand as Witnesses of God at all times, and in all things and in all places, as we strive to live the Young Women values which are:

•Faith
•Divine Nature
•Individual Worth
•Knowledge
•Choice and Accountability
•Good Works
•Integrity
•Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and families, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

I'm 26, so I've been out of Young Women for a while now, and haven't said the theme in a while, but I know there is absolute truth and power in that theme, as I have witnessed it the past two months while reciting it each morning before leaving my home. This has given me the opportunity to see my self-worth, and to act upon it. {This was also my first "assignment" from therapy. Pretty good huh?}

I will struggle with these medical conditions for the rest of my life. I will have good days, and I know there may also be some bad days, but I know who I am and who loves me. I know I'm treasure, and that trumps fear. {Again, said confidently, but I'm working on it.}

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for all, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for all, including me and including you, who may, like me, think it's not. Something I've learned from this trial of mine is that the Atonement isn't just for our sins. It's for our pains, our sufferings, our times when we feel worthless. 

So, if I've seemed distant or reserved, know that I love you, and I've felt your love, but I was on a journey to find self-love and self-worth. And while this journey will last my whole life, I have come to also understand that self-love and self-worth come from serving those I love, and to act as Jesus Christ would.

I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, and one of my issues has always been trying to be perfect like Christ, instead of trying to be like Christ. It's a big difference, and it's a difference I needed to know. My Heavenly Father, and Savior Jesus Christ expect my best, and that I am able to give. 

If this trial has taught me anything, it's that I have the love of my Heavenly Father, even when I don't allow myself to feel it because I feel that I don't deserve it. He created me. He knows my flaws, and my strengths, and He loves me. He loves me even with medical conditions. He loves me because of my medical conditions. He loves me despite my medical conditions.

Life is hard, but I fully believe we cannot do it alone, we aren't supposed to do it alone. We have a Loving God, and a Savior in Jesus Christ that reach into the depths of our seas to pull us up out of our sorrows, but they also can't do it without our efforts. I'm grateful for this trial and that I am finally able to let it teach me. It taught me that I have strength to do hard things, that not all trials come from Satan, although he LOVES to kick us when we are down, that my Heavenly Father loves me, that the Atonement does apply to me, that I have a mother that is so perfectly loving and patient, a family that surrounds me with their love and support me all the time, wonderful friends who continue to be my friend even when I blow them off at the last minute and that I deserve to have self-worth. I still have a lot to learn from this trial. 

This won't be my last trial, unfortunately, but I know I will be able to face other ones head on with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. You too will have trials. All of us will, but I absolutely promise you, you have all you need to overcome it, just turn to your Heavenly Father, and do what he asks of you. I remember my first prayer after that Panic Attack in December, and I told him I would do anything he would ask of me, but that I would need to have the strength to do it. For instance, there was a time I felt I was going to be unable to work, but I didn't want to disappoint my boss; however, I knew I needed to tell him. I text him, he came over, talked with my mom and I, gave me a blessing, and I went into work scared to death the next day, but walked out with a confidence I have never experienced. Therapy was another thing I didn't want to do, but I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father wrote that initial e-mail. He will give you the strength, but you have to act, you have to do the work. You need to show Him that you have Faith, something I've always slightly lacked, until now. 

I've had a friend to lose her husband of a year and a half, a friend who recently escaped an abusive marriage, who both blog so beautifully of their experiences. They have both helped me to witness the Atonement working in different angles. These women are strong, beautiful, and treasure. Their blogs have helped me on my journey, though they are totally different trials. So, my hope with this blog is  I can do the same for someone else. And if it can't, that's ok too.

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ, most commonly I'm known as a Mormon, so I may have said some terms in this post that maybe you don't recognize or may not understand. Or, maybe I've said something about my relationship with my Heavenly Father that's intrigued you. I encourage you to visit www.lds.org or www.Mormon.org , and those websites will answer any questions you may have.

 I cherish my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's provided my life a foundation in Jesus Christ, His love, and His Atonement, although I'm still trying to remind myself that His atonement is for me too, not everyone but me, but everyone AND me.

I love you. The Lord loves you. If you feel you aren't worthy of His love, pray to Him. You're answer will come. You are more deserving than you know.

Continue Reading...

Sidewalk-Chalking.

Sidewalk Chalking:

A few weeks ago, it had been a VERY long week, and I just needed a little bit of a mental break. So, I went outside my Nanny's house, got the box of sidewalk chalk, and headed for her front walk way. 

A few minutes later, I heard the door open and the shuffling of her little feet. She scooted her chair to a position she felt was perfect. Perfect to see the road, the moon, and my "drawings". [Spoiler Alert: I can't actually draw] 

After she got situated, it takes her old bones a few tries these days, she started talking about the mountains that surrounded her when growing up. 

Nanny grew up in what is now Claytor Lake State Park in Virginia. She grew up in the cutest little white farm house with Granny and Papa Rakes, and her handful of brothers and sisters. Nanny was the 2nd youngest, and probably the most mischievous. 

When I was younger, she would tell me how she would have to walk uphill both to school and back home. Over the years, she's changed her story a bit - she only had to walk up the mountain to school. 

That night, she would describe the mountains that made her childhood magical. She described them in all the seasons and what they looked like during the day, and during the night. 

I got the idea I would try to draw the mountains for her the way she was describing them, totally forgetting I am limited to stick figures and flowers. So, the mountains that ran into beautiful fields ended up looking like jellyfish floating in the night sky. 

Of course Nanny said it looked beautiful, but she's my grandma, so that's what she's supposed to say. And while the moon and the stars looked quite nice, what I realize now is, she's what I wish I could have captured.

Nanny comes to life when she starts talking about her life. And trust me, she HAS stories. Whenever she tells a story, whatever time it was in her life, she begins to embody that girl. 

Last night, when talking about growing up at the lake, which was then just a little River, she began to sound like a little girl. She had quite the sparkle in her eye, and I could hear the longing in her voice for those days.

Nanny left home her Junior year of high school and moved to Stuart, Va. She lived in the Stuart Hospital and began training to be a nurse - something she was clearly sent to this Earth to do.

Sometimes when talking to her about her childhood, I feel she wishes she hadn't grown up so fast, because, well, she did. I think that's why whenever she talks about her childhood, I hear so clear the longing in her voice to be that little red-headed girl again.

Life was hard, but simpler back then. Her family basically lived off their land, and she grew up working hard. Her parents instilled great qualities in her, qualities she has kept with her.

My grandma always wanted her grandchildren, especially her granddaughters, to be a nurse like her. Something else about Nanny - she's stubborn as a mule. And the granddaughters? We all are too! (Don't try to argue with me ladies, you know it's true!) So, at least for myself, I kept telling her No. No! Nanny, we've already discussed this, No! Why don't you go be a nurse then Nanny? (Stupidest comeback in the HISTORY of comebacks - she'd already been a nurse for 50 some years!)

I never thought I would end up working in the medical field. It never seemed to interest me. But, now that I've been working in it for the past 6 years, I can't imagine doing anything else. 

Grandma always taught that hard work and a good attitude will get you far in life. I can testify of that! I've worked my way up the medical chain, and though I've hit a plateau of promotions currently due to my training, I'm still seeing benefits of that advice by my interactions with my patients. 

I love talking to her about being a nurse. I love it's something I have in common with her. I love how she advises me on ways to love the difficult patients and on the ways to make each patient feel they are my number 1 concern! 

There are many times that I wish I could have know that little red headed girl, but I'm grateful that I've grown to know and love the sassy, now more of a salt-n-pepper haired, firecracker of a woman. She's beautiful. Her soul is beautiful. 

Nanny doesn't like the Internet. She thinks too many people can see your business, so if you see her don't tell her she's on the Facebook - she may disown me!

Do you have memories of your grandparents? Parents? Your own childhood? Reflect on your own, or get to know the memories of your families. You won't regret it!

Continue Reading...

Death

{Before you read this, I want you to know I'm not doing this for attention or pity. My heart is heavy tonight and writing helps me cope. And, I want to let people know they are not alone when it comes to having a loved one pass.}

Have you ever watched someone die? {Morbid question, I know} Have you ever saw that distant look in their eye? And then heard them talk to someone, someone you can't see? 

I have. I am.

My grandma has Plasma Cell Myloma. It's a cancer of the Plasma Cells. The cancer doesn't kill them, but an infection will. 

She fell two weeks ago on Sunday. She had bruising on the brain and had to go to a rehabilitation center.  She didn't receive the care she should have, and developed an infection.

I'm spending the night with my Nanny tonight at the Hospice Home. She's complementing outfits of people I can't see, but I know she can. It makes me wonder if it's her mom and dad coming to check on their baby girl. Maybe telling her everything's going to be ok! 

It's uneasy knowing she won't be with me much longer. It's something I could go my whole life without experiencing, and be fine. But, no. I'm here with her and I feel peace. Strange huh?

I know where I came from and I know where I'm going when my time is up on this Earth. I know where my Grandma came from and I know where she will go when her time is up. I know it's a place where suffering and pain doesn't exist. I know it's a place of happiness and peace. I know it's a place she's ready to see. 

I believe that she may be able to see close friends and family that have gone before her, and I believe that's who she is talking to at times. I believe those people are here to comfort her during this time. 

I feel death is a lot harder on the people left behind. The Hubands and Wives. The children. The Grandchildren. The friends. But I have the comfort of knowing this isn't goodbye. It's an extended see you later. 

I feel death is somewhat of a testament that God lives and that he loves his children. He loves us so much that when our time is up here on this Earth, he wants us to come be with him. 

I know I will see my Nanny again. I will know who she is and she will know me. And, I know you will see your loved ones who have passed too. Know that. Believe that. 

God is real. Death is real. While there is a time to grieve, and I will probably be grieving for a while, I do know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It's a light of hope. A light of love. A light of peace.

Hug your family members. Never hesitate to tell them you love them. Time is short here, and we never know when it will be a loved ones time to pass on, so love them. Laugh with them. Enjoy them. 

-Kaitlin

{I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Also known as The Mormon Church. I may have said some things in this post that maybe you don't believe, and that's ok, but it's what I believe. I feel when it comes to death my Faith has taught me there is always hope when there is loss. And I hope through this post, that I may have shared some hope with you. 

If you would like to know more about what I believe please feel free to visit the website www.lds.org and find your own hope}

 

Continue Reading...

Purpose.

Two years ago, I packed up my life here in North Carolina. I wasn't fearful. I wasn't regretful. I wasn't looking back. It felt weird to me. I've always been one to stay close to home. It was my comfort. The world seemed like a scary place, but Mayberry, Mayberry was safe. So, when I felt like I needed to move on, move out, experience life on my own, I was concerned. I didn't feel anything. I was numb.

In 2008 I was accepted to Southern Virginia University. I was so excited. I, Kaitlin Johnson, was accepted to a UNIVERSITY. Like, a real four year college that smart, successful people go to, and I was accepted. I think I was more excited about that fact than I was the attending part.

I wanted to go for two reasons: To prove to those who didn't believe I could go, that I could. To make my mom proud. Do you notice neither of those choices were in my benefit. Yes, if I stayed I would have proved something of myself, but just to prove others wrong. I once heard, "If you want to prove someone wrong, you've already given them the benefit of being right." That's no way to live life.

In the end, I stayed 30 hours total. I moved in, unpacked, went to all my orientations, made friends, cried myself to sleep, cried, cried, and cried. It didn't feel right. It wasn't home. It wasn't for me. I wasn't doing it for me. I never wanted to go. I was content with staying in Mt. Airy, and going to the community college. I finally got my way, and came home. To some people, "I told you so" was written all over their faces. Others, "It just wasn't your time." But, when was going to be my time? When was I going to get to live my life for me? When was I going to be able to say, "Hey! I told YOU so. I know I can. I believe in myself. I'm Kaitlin Paige Johnson, and I can do whatever I set my mind to."?

Two years later, I had my 1995 Toyota Avalon with 230,000 miles, packed to the brim. I was driving across the country. I was moving to Provo, Utah. And, I didn't have a care in the world. So, what was the difference in the two years? Sure, I had grown up. I had gained confidence. But, I had also gained a testimony that my Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. I had gained more trust in Him. I had gained trust in myself through Him.

I was taught my whole life, "If you're unsure, turn to your Heavenly Father, and He will let you know if it's right." I was also told, "Sometimes, He tests us. Our decisions are laid out in front of Him like a stop light. Red equals NO. Don't test it. Trust it. NO. Green equals YES. Move forward, fast. YES. And then there is Yellow. Yellow equals your decision. He is going to trust you to make the decision you feel is right for you, and if it's not he will prompt you otherwise." Well, I prayed to know if moving to Utah was the right decision for me. Guess what answer I got? Yellow. Probably the biggest decision of my life at that point, and I get yellow. Well, I decided for myself that I was going to Utah, and if it wasn't right, I trusted Him to let me know.

He let me know. He let me know by peace of mind and heart, that I was not only doing my will, but His as well. Living in Utah, was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I lived. I lived my life for me. I supported myself. I became a healthier me. I became a better me. I made life long friends. And, I feel, that some how, some way, I made someones day a little brighter, by my loving myself.

I loved my job. I loved all the roommates I lived with. I loved my co-workers. I loved everything. But, then, a year and a half later, I got the feeling I needed to return home. Sadness, Fear, the Unknown started to surround my family at home, and I knew I was needed home more than I was needed in Utah. I prayed about that decision and got a Green. It felt right. I put my notice in at work. Little, by little, I started telling people I was going home. The plan was to return in early September, but one night I had a prompting that maybe I needed to return sooner. I prayed that night, and in the morning I woke up to a text to my mom saying, "Is there anyway you could come home sooner?" That's all it took. I went to work and told them I needed to leave earlier. Luckily, we had just hired someone to take my position, and I was able to leave two weeks sooner.

It worked out so much better coming home two weeks sooner. I landed a great job. I was able to see and spend more time with my Aunt before she passed, and I was able to help out with unexpected bumps in the road. However, it's been quite the adjustment being back home. There's not as much of a social life here. In Provo, I was out every night til midnight. Here, I'm in the bed at like 7:30, with my Netflix (we're really happy together), and sleeping by like 10:30pm. There are nights when I crave the social life I once had in Provo.

In early January, I started to wonder what my life would be like right now in Provo, if I hadn't moved home? Would I be stressed to the max at Nexus? Would I be having movie nights with my roommates? Would I be still trying to prank Chad and CJ, and get away with it finally? Would I be baking with April and Julia? Would I be out dancing with Heather, Joey, and Spencer, teaching Provo how to Dougie? And you know what? The answer is Yes. Yes to every single one of those questions. And that's just fine. But you know what? I know I'm suppose to be here. I've seen that within the last couple of weeks. I'm needed here. I can make my social life better, it just takes effort, and that's fine. I have to trust in my Heavenly Father, that my purpose here in Mt. Airy is more significant than I can see or understand.

I don't regret my decision to move back home. I do miss Utah, and my life there, but my life is here now, and I'm grateful. I love my family. I love the south. I love the food, maybe a little too much. I love when my dad says, "I'm so glad to have you back. I don't know what we would have done without you." I love to hear my mom's laugh. I especially love when she laughs so hard she wets her pants. I love that my brother, sister-in-law, and I have planned a family vacation, just like when we were kids, except it's a little more exotic than Emerald Isle. I love the time I get to spend with my grandparents. I love the look on my Grandpa's face when I bring my dog to see him [I'm pretty sure he loves the dog more than me] All in all, I love my life. I love myself.

I have a great life. I have great memories. I have a great future ahead of me. Sometimes I feel the Adversary, sees doubt in us, and makes it into something bigger, and tries to make our good decisions into regrets. We have to choose to not let that happen.

I have somewhat of a stomach bug today, and I decided to watch some Mormon Messages. I found one that really touched me today. If you have a minute watch it, even if you're not a Mormon.

"God uses love-inspired correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us."

We all have great lives, we just need to live them.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0

-kaitlin

[ps - i know i haven't written in like 243798257205739 years, but i'm changing that, starting today.]

Continue Reading...

I Should Have Been Named Grace

On December 27th, I totally biffed it in a room full of 70 year olds. So what had happened was, I was at the Eye Doctor. I was sitting Indian Style in my chair, and my right foot decided to take a nap and go numb. I was in the process of trying to get the feeling back in it when they called me back. So, I stand up step with my left foot, step with my right foot, and then...WHAM! My face made a new friend. The friend? The floor. I stand up. Try to walk, but my right foot is just dragging behind me. As I'm sitting in the appointment, I start getting the feeling back in my foot. Nothing but pure pain. Luckily, in my home ward we have a foot doctor. I went to see him the next day. He said I had torn a ligament in my ankle. I get a brace and I'm on my way. Two weeks later, I'm still in a lot of pain. I go back to the doctor, he now can see I've torn two ligaments. I get a pretty pink cast, and an iron man boot. Perfect.

I was suppose to wear the cast for two weeks - I wore it for six. I took it off two weeks ago, and went to another Foot Doctor. He took more X-Rays, and said all the bones looked fine. He was mostly concerned that I couldn't move my foot...at all. He was also concerned that I messed up my cartilage. So, I'm going to Physical Therapy right now. If that doesn't work, I get to have and MRI to see if I need surgery. I'm praying the Physical Therapy works.

Continue Reading...

The Second Half of 2011

JULY:

My family has never let me play with sharp instruments, lighters, fireworks, or lawn mowers (apparently lawn mowers aren't made to drive up trees?...lame.). So, with this being my first 4th of July being away from home, guess who lit her first lighter and set off her first firework? Oh, and did I mention it was an illegal firework? Yeah. Go hard or Go home right?

Don't worry. I didn't hurt myself or anyone else. The bicycle across the parking lot on the other hand...well, it survived. barely. Apparently fireworks are suppose to go up in the air, not through the air. Who knew?

Later on in July, most of my sisters came out for a Sister's Retreat. It was wonderful. I met my sister-in-law Candace and my sister Ashley for the first time. (I'm part of a pretty big, blended family that is spread out in 5 different states. So, it's not always the easiest to visit everyone.) Some of the activities included the Salt Lake Temple, a hippie smoking marijuana festival we thought was a craft show, Lacey's shower for Baby T, and lots of great food. I really did enjoy myself, but I think a little side of Kyla Sue would have made it perfect.

August:

I turned 22 and, as you already know, I received the best birthday present ever from Kenan and Kyla! They flew me home and we all went to Myrtle Beach for my birthday. I kind of liked not being in Mt. Airy for my birthday because I got to spend more time with my family. It was the perfect way to spend my birthday.

I flew back home the night before my birthday and received the best news ever! A real, real good friend of mine from back home was now in my ward! Also, I came home to the best roommates ever! Those two things made it a lot better to come back to Provo.

My birthday was on a Monday this week. Debra bought me a chocolate cake from Costco and we had a mini birthday party. It was just a little get together but it was a blast nonetheless.

My best friend from back home, Ryan, left for his mission August 4th. I was able to pick him up from the airport and take him to the MTC. I was so excited to see him. I was going to go home for his farewell weekend, but tickets were too much. So it was really great to be able to see him for a hot minute before he left for two years.

Also, during the month of August, I had my first run in with the Propo (Provo Police). Unfortunately, the nice pretty yellow papers they put on your windshield aren't love notes, they're tickets. Apparently, the Propo doesn't like when your license plate is 6 months expired. AND! If you don't pay the tickets, they tow your car. I'll give you one guess on who's car got towed... $400 dollars later, I had my car back and I was $400 poorer. Highlight of my life...not.

I became an aunt again. Lacey had Baby T on August 17. I had the pleasure of watching Baby A for a couple of days. Now I have another little one to brainwash into thinking I'm his favorite Aunt, so far, so good!

September:

September was real, real good to me. I made my first trip to California and touched the Pacific Ocean for the FIRST time ever. I went with Katelyn and Debra to see our friend Maddie. She left for her mission on October 8th, so we made the trip to say our last goodbyes. San Fran really won my heart. It was the perfect way to spend my Labor Day weekend.

Oh! and Sandygirrl and DirtyDan made an appearance in Utah for a week. Best.Week.Ever. We were able to have some Sandygirl and KatiePaige (only my mom can call me that!...don't even think about it.) time. It was so good to have my mom here. I really miss her. A lot. A lot. A lot. And just so you know Mom, the only thing that would have made it better is if you had brought Killer aka Buddydawg. Just saying.

October:

One word.

Halloween.

Three words.

Wizard of Oz.

October also means General Conference. I was lucky enough to get another ticket to the Saturday morning session. Kylie, Sarah, Katelyn, and Ashley also had tickets for Saturday morning, and so we decided to make a day of it. I really enjoyed spending conference with those girls. Also, conference was quite baller this time. It always is, but I mean this time, it was just remarkable.

Also, I started practice for a Powder Puff game, which leads us too...

November:

Powder Puff. It was fun...until we lost. But we won't talk about it.

November also means Thanksgiving. I was unable to go home for the holiday, and the only time I'm not there, EVERYONE else in the family decides to go? Coincidence? No. Everyone thought I was going to be there, that's why they went. Talk about a big disappointment when they arrived...I'm only kidding. Kind of.

Don't worry. I didn't spend the holiday alone. Joey and Sarah invited us to their house in California, which happened to be only 45 minutes from Disneyland. Which we went to. Talk about dreams come true.

Even though I wasn't with my family, it was good to be with a family. Thank you again Whitacker family! It was a weekend I will never forget.

December:

With December came a lot of decisions. Earlier in the year I had decided to go home and serve a mission, but by the end of November I was really starting to doubt if that was what I was suppose to do. I already quit my job, and sold my contract to my apartment, so I should have gone home and stayed right? Nope. A couple of days before I left Utah, I got the impression that I was suppose to stay. Unfortunately it was too late to get airplane tickets and I had already promised people a ride back to North Carolina, so thus began the 34 hour drive home in rain, wind, and more rain.

Seeing that Danyelle's house is on the way home, I was able to visit with them for a night. Last New Year's I got to spend it with her and her family. It was probably the best four days ever. I always feel at home there, and it's always hard to leave. Luckily, we got there so we could spend some time with them before the girls had to go to bed. *lifespoileralert: I have the cutest nieces and nephews ever. sorry world.*

It was so amazing to be home for Christmas with the family. I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my mom, which was just what I wanted for Christmas. Talking to her on the phone sometimes isn't enough. I also got to see my sweet, sweet buddydog. Sometimes I miss him more than all the family combined. The night before Christmas Eve Mom, Dan, Tyler, Kenan, Kyla, and Corey watched A Madea Christmas. Best.Christmas.Movie.Ever. I forgot how much fun it was to laugh with my family. Especially Kenan and Dan. Ohh, those coughing fits. It just doesn't get any better than that. I went to Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family for the first time in 3 years. I really have missed spending that day with my dad and Nanny and Papa J. Christmas Day was spent with my Mom's side of the family. I think the best present I got was playing baseball in the backyard at G-mas. I miss times like that. We may be loud, and a little redneck, but my gosh, I wouldn't trade Sunday's and Christmas at Nanny E's for anything in the world.

I was home for a month. It was the perfect vacation. It was enough time to visit everyone and still have time for my family. December rocked my socks until I fell in the eye doctor's office. Don't worry. That story is coming, but you have to agree, it deserves a post all to itself.

Continue Reading...